I'M SORRY...

                                           Photography: Joshua Brathwaite

So here I am, in my flat...In Stockholm, Sweden. I did it! Can you believe after 9 years in London I moved back to my hometown and I can tell you it went really quick. I resigned, I packed my bags and I just left. I left a life I built for 9 years, from my 20s to my 30s. One of the most important eras in your life where you also develop the most as a person, mentally and spiritually. I left the best years in my life behind. Or... not behind, more like memories that I will cherish forever. Sometimes I think about it and smile and sometimes I think about it and miss it dearly.

Moving countries can be hard and difficult and also cost you a bit of money, especially if you don't know when you will have a job next. Without any savings I decided to leave, call me stupid but I did what my heart told me...

After 1 1/2 week I actually manage to get a job believe it or not. A massive relief! I'm now working as a sales assistant/visual merchandiser in central Stockholm. At least now I have an income and workmates I like, good vibes only! And that is so important to me. As my brother said, everything will be ok in the end and he was right. Now I just have to sort out every other little thing and then hopefully everything will work itself out. And for this reason I want to apologise, apologise for being absent.

I'm also trying to find a focus in what I do. It is very hard since I want to do so much but I cant do everything all at once. How can you be here but at the same time you are somewhere else...?  Apologise for my absent but my head exploding with new things, new adventures and new emotions...

Thank you for still supporting even though my absent. I appreciate your presence from the bottom of my heart and soon I will be back to normal...

I'm sorry, work in progress... 

JF

2014

And here we are again...Another year, flying by like crazy... Always makes me think, analyse over the year and feel I am very blessed to even be alive. But its also very scary, everything goes so quick and sometimes you forget what to prioritise. We are so up in our lifes and having our comfortable routines that you forget whats important...

One of the biggest things this year was probably me taking a risk quitting my day job and went for a Design Competition for a Reality TV Show filmed in The Philippines. This is one of my biggest "YOLO" moments ever! I'm the sensible organised one that never do crazy things like that. I loved the experience but not necessarily the TV bit of it. But hey I tried and it was a 2 1/2 weeks of joy and met some amazing people. But this made me realise that I need more of these moments, I basically shat my pants when I did this but I DID IT! Self growth is very important and not getting out of your comfort zone you will never grow as a individual. I struggled when I got back without a job and a double rent to pay but look at me, here I am with two part time jobs I like and doing my own creative things and still trying to push for better things. I am so grateful for what I have but also I am still struggling with certain things ( that have to be another post haha )

I want to thank all the people that has been a part of my year and my journey, even the people I did cut off for various reasons. I learnt from every situation and person for good or bad. But I wanna say big up to the people that made me smile and laugh in tuff situations. Without you I would never be able to get through anything, THANK YOU! You know who you are...

2014 we had a love & hate relationship and I now welcome 2015 in my life, bring it on!

Sooo a few things that happen this year:

• I cut a fringe, very risky but I like it!
• I was one of the contestants for FashionOne's Design Genius
• Cut certain people off that showed no effort being in my life
• Lost a very special friend, made me realise how small some things are
• Tried to smile as much as possible
• Released some new material
• I'm now an auntie for another beautiful little girl
• My Kimonos are now in process of being manufactured 
• I redesigned this beautiful website for you guys
• So much more probably did happen but this is how I sum it up...

BeYOUtiful...

Why is it just because you are different people stare, they talk about you behind your back, whisper and you can feel their awkward and annoying energy. I have always been different from a young age. With different I mean I haven't been dressing like everyone else around me ( even though I don't think I'm that outrageous haha ). It has been a hard journey and even harder when I was younger. You know how kids are... School was pretty difficult but dont get me wrong a lot of the people I had around me did love what I was doing but you need to constantly be stronger then them to stick out. I'm from Sweden aswell where everyone ( at least back in the day) pretty much looks the same.

I manage to get through it but then when I got to Secondary school it was even harder which surprised me. At that point people are not kids anymore right. I wouldn't say I was bullied but people always comment on things, ALL THE FUCKING TIME! And to be fair, a lot of the jokes were pretty funny. But lets be honest here, who want to hear shit about everything you wearing day after day like a broken record?! I came to a point were I was going to change school but I never went for it in the end... As a young girl my confidence were pretty low so being different was a struggle, BUT it was ME! Why am I going to exist in this world as someone I'm not?! And this is something I constantly have to remind myself of. I should be able to express myself how I want without people making a big deal out of it right?

I am lot older now and have much more confidence in myself to actually not care. But then saying that, I do care in some ways. We all have our days right and todays society is very shallow and so is the industry I'm in. So to sum it up, I basically dont give a F**K but at the same time I do?! 

I realised after all these years people still looking, they still talk and most probably talk behind your back what type of weird trainers I had on that event or my hair looked crazy. They did it back then, they doing it now so why change for someone?! There will always be people hating on you so you might aswell do what you doing and ignore them! There is no other way... 

I still get it even today where people comment on things, always have someone comparing me to like people or celebs; " Omg, you look like ...." And usually they get it completely wrong from wherever I got my inspiration from. But today I can suck it in, realise I'm not like everyone else and appreciate my uniqueness and so should you. We are all unique and different in our own ways even if it's looks or more spiritual, is just about you finding it within yourself. 

I wanted to share my story because I know it is a lot of young people probably going through the same thing and trust me is not easy to be strong and keep it up all the time. But you just have to, stand up for yourself cause at the end of the day thats what life is in most situations. Be strong and stand up for what you believe in, YOU!

So next time when you comment on whats someone is wearing in a pisstaking kind of way, do it with kindness or not at all....

Be beautiful

Be different

Be special

Be honest

Be humble

Be confident

BE YOU...!

Video & Makeup: Ala Hojat

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RIP QUINCEY

As probably a few of you know, Quincey Williams sadly passed away a couple of months ago. I was in shock, I was in tears and I was absolutely devistated...

Me and Q go way back even though we never really kept in contact like that. We were both in the creative industry and could relate to our work in a lot of ways. I got to know Q from him poppin into Size? when I use to work there and always thought he was a all in all a nice and genuine dude. 

I always looked up to Q in the way he actually created what he wanted, followed his dreams without doubts and actually did s**t and didnt just talk s**t like a lot of people do and especially in London! As a creative I am pretty tired of always hear people say "yeah I know this and this person" and "I can hook you up with..." and they never go through with it?! It's like they trying to be someone they not to get "accepted". I learnt my lesson and now a days I believe things when I see it. But Q kept it so real, different and always supportive which I find very inspiring and refreshing now a days cause they are hard to come across. He was a nice, caring and 100% real human being and that breed is pretty much non existent these days.

Things like this is a wakeup call, makes you reflect even more about your own life, your career and most of all whats important in life. Make sure you get them prioritise right cause even how much of a cliché it is, life is too short and it can quickly just change!

I wanna thank you Q for all the support and inspiring things you did without even knowing... I wish I could of share more moments with you but also glad for the moments we had when you were here. You giving me the inspiration to continue my dreams and keep pushing and for that I will always be grateful.

Big up to the Stooki Crew for being strong, keep smiling and keep it going!

Daniel Spencer wrote this poem for Q and also made this song to make it special, I loved it so much I had to share it.... Thank you.

 

Quincey Williams - R I P 

Back in 2013 at the Redbull Party at Notting Hill Carnival, Q loved to get turnt uuup and daaance! Such a good day, I think of it and smile. Them angels better take good care of you Q or otherwise I kick their ass! I see you up there homie <3

SMILE THROUGH THE BREAKDOWN

Today I woke up with a smile on my face for no particular reason. The last couple of months been very hard and I have been feeling the London struggle even more then usual. After my adventure in The Philippines I came back to reality again, without a job and I wasn't even sure if I was able to pay my rent. But my mindset was really good and the first couple of weeks I was ok. I applied for probably 5 - 10 jobs a day but when that didn't end up in results I got a bit worried. For me it was hard to understand since I have more then 14 years experience in retail and I wondered what am I doing wrong?!

After a month I manage to get a job in a little vintage shop in East which was a relief. I still didn't know how I was going to be able to pay a double rent and it freaked me out!  I can go into a lot of details with my whole life situation but I wont bore you... Basically what I realise the last month is that in every situation you are in, good or bad you always need to use your mind to create what you want and what you need in your life. I have been really down and stressed for various reasons but everyday I am trying to make something out of that and make it into a life experience. And I will tell you, IT WORKS! It is all about your mindset and how you approach situations and life. I have put up a front of being happy and full of jokes and laughter cause that is what you have to do, is like a front. So sometimes people don't know whats going on behind this front but for me, making my best to cover it will bring you joy and you might even make other people happy and fulfil their day cause now a days kindness and manners are very rare. It is also crazy how in todays society you are actually surprised if someone says something nice, being polite or just doing a nice gesture. And this is what scares me...

The last week been really good even though I worked 6 days in a row and dealing with other things at the same time. But I am also really blessed and I had a really positive mind even though I haven't  been that happy. The people or shall I call them strangers that I bumped into or talked to the last month have been amazing human beings that shared their story and life experience and I think because of my mindset right now I attracted it to myself. I don't think I ever talked to these many strangers and appreciate every little second of it. Either its been stories I can relate to or some stories that I don't get or don't agree with it but I can appreciate it. You gave me so much life and triggered a really curious part of myself that I don't normally have. I am so grateful for these amazing human beings even if they don't know it...

When I was in this struggle I knew that in the end the dots will connect. But when you are in it, it is very hard to see. I just knew deep down that I will look back on this and be like "AHAAAAA" I get it now! I am a strong believer that 'Everything happens for a reason' like I didn't get a certain job because I was ment to be doing this or that or I wouldn't bump in to so and so if it wasn't for that specific situation. This is what they call faith or destiny right?! I also call it timing. Probably 80-90% in life is timing, which sometimes sucks but you just have to learn to live with it. I am also a big music lover and lately I started to explore it even more and found some new amazing artists that been keeping me happy in tricky situation when you are down. And that my friends, helped me a lot!

I guess what I am trying to say is, appreciate what you are actually surrounded by with it be people, situations, events and other things that life throws at you. Even if it is bad things or messy situations, there is always something positive around you and to smile about but is just up to you and your soul to see it. And don't let your mind play tricks on you cause your thoughts creates what you want in life. I want to thank all the amazing strangers for letting me hear their personal stories and giving me their positive energy, I am beyond grateful.

And on that note I am now going to chill and relax since I have another 6 days of work this week, but bare in mind I still have that smile on my face that I woke up to!

Thank you!

"Fantasy is what people want but reality is what they need, and I just retired from the fantasy..."

                                                                                                                             - Lauren Hill                            

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